


teach me no lesson

by acidquill



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, brief mentions of tarsus iv and self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 00:55:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12693720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acidquill/pseuds/acidquill
Summary: self indulgent kirk angst, set during the arrival at vulcan/oh fuck what happened. title snagged from patty griffin's 'top of the world.' orig (lj) posted december 2016.





	teach me no lesson

**Author's Note:**

> self indulgent kirk angst, set during the arrival at vulcan/oh fuck what happened. title snagged from patty griffin's 'top of the world.' orig (lj) posted december 2016.

The debris field of shredded ships is a gut punch. Jim tries not to focus on the individual pieces drifting  past, knows once he starts he won’t be able to stop cataloguing details until he finds someone he recognises.  
  
Still he can’t silence the part of his mind that whispers: this was the _Farragut_ ; this was the _Antari_ ; this was Mara, a girl he saw every day in Command Track. This was - he thinks of the brilliant flash of sun on Gaila’s hair, the wicked glint in her eyes when she pulled him into the programming lab after hours.  
  
_We should be out there too_. The thought cuts through him, sharp and brutal. Followed immediately by, _Bones only turned back for me._ Jim closes his eyes when another body floats past the helm _._  
  
He wants to hope for escape shuttles, rescue beacons, another twelve minutes. Wishes he could believe in the prayers falling fast and thick since they cleared warp. But more than most Jim Kirk is a realist. There will be no martyred heroes to temper this tragedy, no battered survivors making their way back home.  
  
Jim remembers whole families left dead in their houses, the crying of the kids he fought to keep safe. He still wakes up on bad nights with Tarsus dust clogging his nose and hunger gnawing deep in his belly. Some days he flinches when someone slaps him on the back, caught up in the months he spent alone with Frank.  
  
This is one more nightmare. And Jim just keeps surviving.  
  
He swallows down bile. Clenches his fists hard enough his knuckles ache and he’s left with bloody crescents in the meat of his palm.  
  
Pike says ‘come with me;’ Jim can do nothing but follow. He straightens his shoulders and ignores the sting.


End file.
